I'm a straight female, I think, but I'm terrified of dicks. And for the past few months, I've been wondering if I'm gay, but the thought scares me. (NSFW) Details:
-I'm 27, female, never had (PIV) sex, had one LTR 10 years ago and have been on maybe a dozen or so dates since then, all after from online dating profiles.
-In my one LTR, we had oral sex, but I was always disgusted by his dick and only went down on him 3-4 times. I would make him tell me when things were happening so I could get out of his way...the idea of him coming in my mouth made me sure I'd gag/vomit. He's the only guy I ever went down on.
-I am absolutely terrified at the thought of having sexual relations with a guy. Terrified. I haven't even kissed a guy in 5 years, and now even that idea scares me. Not even getting to anything nakedness-related - just kissing now seems so scary. Appealing, but scary. (I remember that I did like kissing while doing it, but was always having to really focus on what I was doing, how I was doing, and whether or not I was doing an awful job.)
-Sometimes I find myself having crushes on my female friends. I will have some random colleague and will think, yes, if I was interested in women, that's who I'd want to be with. I have dreams sometimes where I'm dating a woman, or where I'm a man dating another man, and this confuses me even more. The idea of having sexual relations with a woman doesn't appeal to me particularly, but I'm not scared of it like I am scared of dicks.
-I really want to be married, and have kids. When I think about my future, I am completely stuck on that whole thing where it's me, and my husband, and our kids, and maybe a white picket fence in the suburbs. I can feel my biological clock ticking - I want those babies. And I want to have them with a husband. And to do that means sex. And sex means dicks. Gross.
I'm in therapy and take medication for depression. I am terrified, still, though, of bringing this up with my therapist - I just feel uncomfortable thinking I might be gay and saying that out loud (Let me be clear - many of my closest friends are gay, I love them desperately and don't have any issues with them being gay, but...People can be really unaccepting, and I feel like there are enough things about me that make me different, that I don't want to add on any more. I will be the first to admit that I am overly concerned with what people think and that that's something I need to work on.) I do know I need to bring this up with my therapist eventually, though, and I think putting this question here is kind of like my first step towards being able to do that. (Plus, her advice about my general fear of guys/dicks/kissing is exposure therapy - just do it. I may need a new therapist, because that isn't working for me.)
tl;dr...What does it mean if a woman is straight and horrified by penises? Are there straight woman out there like me? If so, what do you do to get past it? Or, does this mean I should explore this possible-lesbian thing? If so, how would you suggest I get over my fears and get going with that?
throwaway e-mail: straightbutscaredofboys@gmail.com
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