Up from Homophobia

I used to be a homophobe. I didn't dislike gays a little; I
disliked them a lot. Growing up in Texas, I didn't know anyone who
admitted to being gay, and I found the whole idea sick and
repulsive.
On top of that, I was politically, religiously, and socially
conservative. So if you'd told me 40 years ago that in 2010, I'd be
in favor of letting gays serve in the military and get married, I'd
have thought you were on some bad acid.
But one day of my junior year in college, I came back from class
to find a note on my desk. It was from my roommate, a friend since
my freshman year, informing me that he was gay.
I was stunned and confused. It had never once crossed my mind
that he wasn't a fellow heterosexual, and I didn't know what to do.
Having a friend who was gay was disturbing enough, but a
roommate?
I discussed it with him. I discussed it with my pastor. I lay
awake nights. I gave it a lot of thought. If I decided not to move
out, would I be able to deal with being in close proximity with a
homosexual? If I broke off the friendship, would I be doing him an
injustice? I faced a dilemma, and I hated it.
In the end, I was forced to conclude, not without apprehension,
that the revelation didn't change anything. We were good friends
before, and we would stay good friends. And 35 years later, we
still are.
I'm telling you this not to impress you with how broad-minded
and tolerant I proved. I was neither. I just had to deal with
reality.
Before, my notions about gays were uninformed. Confronted with
an actual gay person whom I liked, respected and trusted, I was
forced to reexamine my prejudices, and they began to crumble.
What happened to me, of course, has happened to millions of
other Americans. It's easy to be homophobic if you don't know
anyone who is openly gay. But that's true of fewer and fewer
people. As gays have become forthright about their sexual
orientation, the rest of us have had to assess them not as gays,
but as whole human beings.
So I've had gay friends and gay co-workers. I've had lesbian
neighbors. I've had gay and lesbian relatives. When one gay
relative back in Texas had a wedding?in all but the legal sense?my
wife and I attended and found it eerily similar to the straight
version. All these experiences have impressed on me the obvious
fact that homosexuals are not an alien species.
That's in keeping with our broad national experience. In 1985,
only 22 percent of us said they had a friend who was gay. By 2008,
66 percent did. And attitudes have followed. In 1982, only 34
percent of Americans regarded "homosexuality as an acceptable
alternative lifestyle." Today, it's 57 percent.
Familiarity, in this case, doesn't breed contempt. It breeds
acceptance. Heterosexuals have always lived and worked with gays,
but without knowing it. Once they find out, most learn they have
more similarities than differences.
If the military's ban on open gays is repealed, a lot of people
in uniform will soon come to the same realization. Many already
have. The Pentagon's new report on "don't ask, don't tell" says
that when it surveyed military personnel, two out of three said
they've served alongside colleagues they believed to be gay.
Such experiences make a huge difference. In Army combat units,
48 percent of those responding said repeal of the ban would have a
negative impact, and in Marine combat units, 58 percent agreed.
But among those who have served with someone they believe to be
gay, 92 percent of service members found no negative effects on
unit performance. Nine out of 10 of those in Army combat units, as
well as 84 percent of those in Marine combat units, said the same
thing.
Like any big change, the repeal will have its awkward moments,
and it will take some adjustment. But in the end, it will turn out
to be no big deal.
As one "special operations warfighter" quoted in the report
said, "We have a gay guy. He's big, he's mean, and he kills lots of
bad guys. No one cared that he was gay." I know the feeling.
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