One Badass Roach

Tonight, I was laying in my bed with my daughter and my wife.  We were just talking and laughing and minding our own business when I looked up at the ceiling and saw absolute horror: "OMG!  Look!" I exclaimed.  Melissa saw it and asked, "What is that!?!  A Black Manta?" which sent Lindsey & I into giggle fits.  Lindsey said, "What is a Black Manta?"  A cross between a black mamba and praying mantis?  Or a black widow & manta ray?  "Well, whatever he is, he's got balls to just come out in broad daylight up on the ceiling like that and just sit there staring at us." said Melissa..Concerned for my safety, I did what any mom with a son would do.  "NICK!" I yelled.  "There's a bug in here.  Come get it!"  No, he didn't rush in to rescue the ladies.  He yelled back "Why?"  .Why??? Because there is a giant, bad ass roach on my ceiling smoking a cigarette and looking like he wants to roll me!  "Because you have testicles and that's what people with testicles do.  Come get him!".He certainly took his time making his way down the hall to us.  He looked at the roach and went into the bathroom to get tissue.  While he was in there taking his sweet-ass time, the roach did the unthinkable.  He LEAPT like an Olympian track star from the ceiling, doing double gainers all the way down.  .My life flashed before my eyes and I let out a shriek that no self-respecting lesbian should ever let out.  Apparently I was the only one who saw it as my two bedfellows appeared totally bewildered at my horror - especially my daughter, who I shamelessly used as a shield by grabbing her and thrusting her towards where I thought the roach landed.  "He jumped!!!" I yelled.  They all looked up at the empty ceiling and Nick finally emerged from the bathroom.  He and Melissa looked on the bed and around it with no sign of the Black Mantis anywhere.  .As I began to get teased for my scream, we started laughing about the GUTS of that roach to appear in the open like that and just hang out, waiting to be killed and then leap across the room and scamper off.  Just knowing he was still nearby was un-nerving.  .My daughter offered me this comfort: "Mom, it was likely a roach gang initiation.  They made him come out in the light, hang out on the ceiling and then try to leap on us.  If he makes it back alive, he's in.  I bet right now, they're high-fiving him and giving him a tiny bandana with their colors."  .Here is how I imagine him now: 

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