What Friends Can't Possibly Know

The ProblemI had dinner with a friend last week.  She was sharing with me how she felt this amazing, unexplainable connection with her ex.  They had gone their separate ways and dated other people.  They recently ran into each other and reconnected.  They talked and the spark was still there.  They both felt it and began to discuss the possibility of a reconciliation.  The problem, however, was that they had gotten together and broken up so many times that their friends were discouraging any type of communication between them and would never support another reconciliation.Been There, Done That I listened with interest because I know what that feels like. I was crazy in love with my ex and when she left our marriage, my family and friends suffered along with me.  -My daughter saw me break down and cry more in those first 2 weeks than she had in her entire life.  -I sat in my friend Gina's car asking, through tears, what else could I have done to make her happy?  -Night-owl, Donna, got 3am texts from me asking her to tell me what she did to deal with it when she went through it.  -Pals Kelly & Karen took me for more than a few margaritas to coach me through the first broken heart of my life (at age 42).  -My parents were as sad as I was because they loved her like a daughter.  It was horrible for me, but also really bad for those who loved me.  When my ex returned and wanted to try again, most of my friends were skeptical but sort of left the ball in my court to decide. After my ex left a second time and the break up was the ugliest in lesbian history, there was not a single one among them who would have supported our reconciliation.I was torn between: feeling grateful that they helped me to stand strong when I wanted to believe that things would be different if I took her back when she was asking me to AND...feeling annoyed by them for telling me to let her go because they didn't know her like I did.  They didn't see her specialness. What they see vs. what they can never know...  During a break-up, our friends see us suffer and they hear what we deal with and they get our side of the story.  Maybe they will give the other person the benefit of a doubt and assume that you both contributed to the break-up. Either way, they only see a limited perspective.Not only have I had these friends, but I was almost one of them myself.  When one of my besties, Ande, had a horrible second break-up, I was tempted to threaten her to not get back with him.  But in the end, if it had been possible for them to reconcile and for her to be happy, I wanted that. At the core of it all, I realized that there are things that none of your friends can ever know.  Things like:The true depth of the love you hadThe connectedness that you never experienced with anyone beforeThe inside jokes that only they would ever be able to understandThe knowing looks across the roomThe perfect physical intimacy that only comes when you really know someone's body The way that you both know that you know that you were made for each other Friends only know they are sick of hearing about the problems and want to see you happy and not struggling with the same, tired issues that you can't seem to resolve.  "What would you think...?"After hearing about this, my friend asked me, point blank, "What would you think if we got back together?"I thought about all of that and then, I said to my friend, "I know what it's like to not only feel, but really know in your heart, that you were meant to be with someone.  I support your love.  If you both feel it, you owe it to yourselves to try again."She was shocked and moved to tears.  "I never get that support from anyone.  Thank you."Where is this going?  Yes, these two will have to talk about what went wrong and be committed to making changes to avoid those same problems.  They will be careful about what they say and do because they have a new perspective of what life was like without each other.  I have every confidence that if they can make it, they will. If they are both willing to try and they both feel like they should be together, then we, their friends, should stand by them, cross our fingers and hold our breath.  We should add positive energy to their mix and facilitate good communication.  We should restrain ourselves from gossip and only put good things out into the universe for them.  If the attempt fails, we will hug them, wipe their tears and be sad with them until they are ready to join the land of the living again.   If it succeeds, we rejoice with them and take our place on the victory stand with them.  We know we had an important role and supporting a love that was meant to be.In the end, if we can't be optimistic about love, what will we ever have to be optimistic about?  I believe...

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