Hello, 2014: From Sochi to Schock, here's a flippant attempt at reading the year's tea leaves

Opinion: With my last column of 2013 dedicated to my holiday wishes, the first column of 2014 should obviously be dedicated to predictions. First up in my crystal ball is a foreseen blend of entertainment and technology. Janelle Monáe has been telling us for years she's an android. In 2014, she'll come out as a lesbian, to boot. A perfect mix of taste and technology. You may remember that Family Guy tried to tell the world in 2009's episode "Hannah Banana" that Miley Cyrus is also an android -- but more an alpha-testing model, relative to Monáe's super-sophisticated ArchAndroid/Cindi Mayweather. So, when Monáe comes out as a Covergirl for the ladies, Cyrus will try to again reprogram herself to keep up, announcing a new career direction that moves from "just feels black" to "just feels lesbian-y," spending the remainder of 2014 back in jeans and hi-tops and doing Indigo Girls covers at Olivia events. Sports will blend with politics as all eyes turn to Sochi and the Winter Olympics. As a visiting U.S. delegate, Billie Jean King will challenge Vladimir Putin to a judo match, his favored combat sport. In 1973 "Battle of the Sexes" style, she will clean his clock. Putin's televised tears will leave his "macho" persona in shambles. King's shout to the crowd as she stands over the weeping president -- "You're next, skater boy!" -- will land Johnny "I don't pretend to get Russian politics" Weir in protective custody. ... (more)

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