Ex-FWB: I really want to be friends again, but I'm too disgusted, and it's not his fault. What now? A follow-up to this question. Thanks for all the great answers to my last question. A day after it was posted, I told M that I couldn't continue hooking up with him. He asked why and I told him I just wasn't into it anymore because of my orientation. He took it well, and for most of the rest of the semester we were less intense, platonic friends. I felt so much better, self-esteem wise and just in general.
Then the last night of school, I was at a party. He called me so I could let him into the building. When I came to the door he was very drunk and started kissing me and groping me. I figured, it's his last night (he's a senior, I'm a junior), so what the hell. When we left the party we went back to my room and talked for a while. I suggested that he call a different girl that he'd hooked up with a couple times because she'd almost certainly fuck him. He agreed that it'd be easy, but said he didn't want to. I apologized for not having been able to continue with the FWB thing. He said it was OK but kept inching closer to me on the bed. Told me I was "special". Had a pleading look on his face and brought it really close to mine. I started making out with him because I felt bad for letting him beg--also, why the hell had I let him come to my room if I wasn't gonna fuck him? He left to go to the bathroom and I started chugging alcohol so I could make myself blow him when he got back.
So he came back and I blew him. He practically begged to go down on me (I know, good man), so I let him. And it was awful. He wasn't bad at it, but I just wasn't into it at all. So I just moaned at what I thought I should be feeling so it would be over sooner, and so he wouldn't feel bad for something that wasn't his fault. Then he asked, in a really pleading tone, if I would ever consider having intercourse with him. I said I didn't have a condom (true), but if he'd had one with him, I probably would have gone along with it and regretted that night even more than I do now.
Which is a lot. Whenever I think back to it, I feel icky all over. I feel like I gave him a little piece of myself that I wish I had back. And then I feel bad for being so drama about it, because everything was consensual and he's not a bad guy. Honestly, I am a little mad at him for acting so persistently pathetic, because I think it means he knew I didn't want to, but wanted me to do it please him anyway. But I'm a lot more mad at myself.
It's affecting our friendship. We were hanging out last night (we live close) and half of everything he said pissed me off. He said the other girl he'd been hooking up with is great in bed, but that her personality is awful and he'd wished he could put a paper bag over her head while they did it. This annoyed me because not only did it strike me as cruel, but (and I'm aware this is going to make me sound like a bitch), I'm significantly better-looking than he is, and he and she are about the same looks-wise. Like, "you decide who to fuck based on physical standards, but I fucked you because I thought you were nice?" So I passive-aggressively replied, "you've got pretty high standards." He looked hurt for a second, and then said, "Really?" I immediately felt bad and said maybe he just had different standards than me. He said, "Maybe I do have high standards. Just for the face though." He also enthused that when the other girl gives head, she just keeps going until the guy comes. I have bad TMJ (he knows this) and I have to take frequent breaks and just use my hands. Even so my jaw was sore the day after the last time. So I said, probably with audible anger in my tone, "yeah, not doing that. Ever." I also made a contextually relevant comment that I should probably stop doing things I regret while drunk.
How can I save this friendship? Seeing him reminds me of being weak, of giving in, and I hate it. Even considering the occasional passive-aggressive remarks I've made, I'm not sure he knows anything is wrong. And I don't know whether I should bring it up with him--I mean, how exactly do you say, "I regret having sex with you, since the message didn't stick last time, it's never going to happen again"? Maybe things would be better if we just didn't talk about sex. We'd still have our shared senses of humor and nerdy interests.
I miss our friendship. I miss feeling comfortable around him. But I don't really know how to get over my resentment. (Also, in general, I'm having a hard time forgiving myself.)
(I really don't think he was trying to make me compare myself to the other girl with the blowjob thing. We have the sort of friendship where we talk about exes and love-interests frankly, because there's nothing romantic between us and we share an interest in women. And he doesn't see women exclusively as sex objects--he's friends with lots of them, including his exes, and including ones he doesn't find physically attractive.)
Throwaway email: sapphicsniveler@gmail.com
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